I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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