70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
