I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
