Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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