if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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