I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Drunk is not a location!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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