smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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