I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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