The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
