Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
