I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
