There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
