apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Too much gin, very little bucket
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I did not marry a roomba.
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