my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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