that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize