She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
