I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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