MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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