I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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