you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
