quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
