Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
