How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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