I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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