census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
did i walk over a car last night?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize