Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize