Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
