My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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