Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
