Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
