i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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