we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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