My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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