I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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