Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
