My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i've created a new STD.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize