It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
