how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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