I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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