Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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