he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
