I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
