Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
