i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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