What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
