apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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