Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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