you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
