You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize