I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
