I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
