last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sorry about my life...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
