my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
