True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
