I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
