Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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