i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
